NetGalley Book Review: Me, But Better by Olga Khazan

Can personality truly change, or are we stuck with the traits we were born with? 

In Me, But Better, journalist Olga Khazan sets out to answer this question with a bold, year-long experiment on herself. Using the Big Five personality traits—Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism (OCEAN)—as her framework, she explores whether deliberate actions can shift the way we think, behave, and feel.
Because don’t we all want to feel better, sometimes?

I was immediately drawn to this book after seeing that Gretchen Rubin had reviewed it. As a longtime fan of Gretchen’s work on happiness and habits, I was curious how Olga would approach the subject of personality change. I first discovered Me, But Better on NetGalley, and it arrived in my life at just the right time. As Olga says in her introduction, “Moments stack.” 

Oh, goodness, how they stack. One after the other like Legos we can’t avoid stepping on forever.
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Our thoughts, choices, and behaviors compound over time to shape our lives. Like her, I’ve felt the weight of certain aspects of my own personality, and I was excited to see what strategies helped her create meaningful change in her own life.

The Science (and Reality) of Personality Change

The early chapters lay the groundwork for what personality is and how much of it we can actually change. Like many nonfiction novels that center around such topics, these early chapters are more dense in nature; there’s admittedly a lot to catch up on when it comes to the field of personality studies.

Olga explains that while traits are partially genetic, they are also shaped by experience and environment. No surprise there, given what we all learned about in school. But beyond that, research suggests that we aren’t entirely fixed in our ways - we can gradually shift traits through intentional actions. 

And Olga certainly did her due diligence.

One key insight from the book is that “you more likely act yourself into feeling than feel yourself into action.” This quote by Jerome Bruner encapsulates the idea that if we want to change, we must first behave in ways that reflect the person we want to become, even if it feels unnatural at first. 

​I’ll say this, above anything else: Olga leans into the discomfort of her experiment. She doesn’t shy away from it - or from sharing her true thoughts - even once. Her hard truth is sometimes palpable on the page, and even as a reader, it was difficult to confront. Even a book can be a mirror, and the best ones are.
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I can only imagine how she felt, throughout the full experiment, and now, as her book publishes this month on the 11th.

How the Experiment Developed

After her introduction, Olga dedicated one chapter to each aspect of OCEAN, but not in the order you might expect. She began with the traits she most wanted to change, and which ranked the poorest on the Big Five Personality test she took directly from researcher Nathan Hudson’s website.

Yes, I took the test, and my own results made me even more curious about how Olga approached each of the traits.

Trait 1: Extroversion

As an introvert, Olga began with extroversion. From improv classes to awkward networking events, she examines whether faking extroversion can lead to genuine personality change. She tackled this trait first—headfirst. I admire her tenacity where extroversion is concerned. Her commitment to dive into the deep end, to commit to this lifestyle in the ways that she did, told me just how serious she was about becoming a better version of herself. 

I was hooked. 

​One of the most striking insights from this chapter is how social interaction can disrupt - even prevent - negative thought spirals. As she said, “Through all of this activity, I found that occasional extroversion can be a tool. It pauses the broken record of the depressive mind: Nothing rescues you from endless rumination like social interaction, even when forced.”

Trait 2: Neuroticism

Olga describes neuroticism as one of the most difficult traits to change—after all, anxiety and emotional sensitivity are deeply ingrained. She explores various methods to calm an overactive mind, including meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, and mindfulness practices. For every chapter, she speaks with many experts in the field of behavior and habits.

She references conversations with Dan Harris and Jon Kabat-Zinn, as well as her own struggles with meditation: “Quieting the mind is impossible at times.” She routinely acknowledges the tension between wanting to change and feeling trapped by long-held emotional patterns.

For me, one of the most relatable moments in this chapter is when she describes feeling happy, but immediately fearing that something will go wrong. “I was elated—but for the neurotic, happiness is always tinged with the suspicion that you’ll screw it up somehow.” 
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It’s a relatable fear. And while this chapter did not end in the way I expected it to, the next few were impossible to put down.

Traits 3, 4, and 5: Openness, Agreeableness, and Conscientiousness

Openness to experience is often associated with creativity, curiosity, and adaptability. While Olga realized she already does many of the things that open people do - including watching foreign films, reading novels, appreciating art, discussing controversial topics (especially as a journalist), and more - she wondered how she could challenge herself to become more open by trying new experiences and embracing uncertainty. 

Like how she threw herself directly into an improv comedy class to increase her extroversion score, she put herself off balance again by pursuing an interest she always shook off: surfing. What’s more open than that?

​Agreeableness, however, was an area she hoped to work on. She herself noted how she could be angry, blunt, skeptical, and resistant to small talk. But could she become more empathetic and agreeable, still speak up and participate, without feeling like she was smothering or losing herself? In addition to her experiences using Bumble BFF and Meetup, Olga volunteered to serve lunch to the homeless on a weekly basis. More than most, this chapter widened her understanding of what it means to be agreeable.

Sometimes, it meant being disagreeable.

Her last OCEAN trait chapter covered conscientiousness - a trait she was proud to score highly on initially at the beginning of her year long experiment. As she said, she was finally able to speak from a place of lived experience because she had already increased her conscientiousness years before. In fact, it was her passion for her future that did the trick. I know I appreciated reading through how she changed that part of herself so drastically.

It also served as proof that the personality change she hoped to find within herself was one that she had already long accomplished.

​This sentiment shepherds nicely into her final two chapters. 

On Knowing When to Quit

One of the most emotionally powerful sections of the book is Olga’s exploration of when to persist and when to walk away. In self-help culture, people are often told that perseverance is key—but sometimes, quitting is the wiser choice. Olga captures that well. 

This chapter includes an emotional discussion of values versus goals. One I’m personally familiar with and advocate considering for anyone interested. She writes, “Values cast a spotlight on what’s important, and invite you to step in.” This idea - that understanding our core values can guide our decisions - feels like one of the book’s most lasting messages. I knew my own values before reading this book, but they cemented further in my heart. 
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There’s little more that I could ask for out of the second-to-last chapter.

Final Chapter, Final Thoughts: How to Keep Changing

In the final chapter, Find Your Beach, Olga reflects on how to sustain personal growth over time. She emphasizes that personality change isn’t about rejecting who you are, but about expanding your possibilities.

Ultimately, Me, But Better is a deeply engaging blend of personality science, self-discovery, and humor. Olga’s writing is sharp and honest, but she goes to great lengths to make psychological research feel accessible and relatable. While the book doesn’t offer a rigid step-by-step guide for change, it provides something even more valuable: a roadmap for experimenting with who we are and who we want to become.

It provides hope.

​If you‘re curious about the psychology of self-improvement, this book is a continual reminder that growth isn’t about becoming someone else - it’s about becoming the best version of ourselves.

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Disclaimer: The quotes used in this blog post, or any promotions, are based on available sources generously provided by NetGalley. However, the quotes may differ from those in the official publication.